Now then! Tuesday returns, and so does yer block mail. The Thirteenth instalment. Hope you're all well, here's yer block. Stuff it!

New this week? NO - ONE! Boo - hoo. PLEASE let me know anything about anyone, lets get this list even bigger. I am starting the phone calls off tomorrow so should get a few more this week, but i STILL need yer 'elp! Ta!

Yes, yes, i KNOW. Leeds lost 4 - 0 to Leicester on Monday night. I endured the 90 minute torture aswell. Can't think of a THING to say about it - I WOULD try slating Man U but unfortunately i have their game on NOW as i type and they are WINNING 4 - 0. Typical!!

youth choir section. No one new in for a while - Pweez stick yer stuff in there, it's always good to see a new name in there and it only takes a shake of a ducks danglies. Send me your pics on e mail or to me home address, i wanna make that photo section SO fat that it makes Luciano Pavarotti look like Twiggy. JPEG's or GIF's on e mail only please.

I found out today why the Pet Shop Boys are called the Pet Shop Boys. It is NOT nice.

What a D*CKHEAD am I? I saw Nick Grant (ex tenor) in Town at the weekend and said "Alright, mate". 5 minutes later i realised that he knows nothing about the reunion. Whoops!

Nigel Keenan sent me some pics of contenders for Miss World this year. Absolute beauties they are, still haven't stopped laughing and i got them on FRIDAY. Might put them in the Photo Board for your amusement.

TV observation - Is it just ME, or, in the new advert for seat belts, where it rewinds back to the lads getting in and putting their belts on, does the car turn from a RED one outside the pizza shop to a WHITE one when the accident happens? Let me know - Betcha i'm right!

Small reminder - Anyone local interested in forming an ex-choir members band, let me know - It is an avenue i DEFINITELY WILL pursue in the future. 2 interested so far. We could support Simon Donovans band!

Kiddie quote of the week. Emily, aged 4, asked me on Saturday for "A sausage sandwich without the bread". What the..?

I have promised Lucy Arnold that i WILL do a limerick on her in Poetry Corner one week, that is once i can find a word other than "Juicy" to fit the rhyme. Watch this space!

Digital TV viewers. Set your videos for 12.25am Wednesday night (or should i say Thursday morning), Sky Movies Premier. "Quills". A quality film. Trust me!

Talking of film, this weeks reccomendation is "Phone Booth" - I was VERY sceptical about a film devoted to one man on the phone, but it was actually excellent. And, at 70 mins long, you don't get a numb b*tty.

OK. Enuff of that - MORE of this.

This weeks SOS.

MALE = Neil Shaw. Neil was, i think, a founder member, and he bore an uncanny resemblance to Michael Portillo, which was rather unfortunate on his part. Know where he is? Let me know!

FEMALE = Nemone Wilman. Nemone's dad was an adult helper and he was ace, he used to hold his music right up to his eyes to read it. Shouldnt laugh, 'cos he probably had tunnel vision or something. Nemone was also a bit of a dude, but still on the AWOL list. Know where she is, or where her gaff is? Let me know!

USELESS FACTS OF OUR TIME. PART 13.

Alison Miller was born with a Swedish accent, and her brother Nick was born with FOUR B*ttocks.

MEMORY OF THE WEEK.

On a visit to the Pen 'n' Cob, after rehearsal, with Claire Ackroyd, i was quite blatantly chatted up, flirted with and mauled by a member of staff. Nothing wrong with THAT, i hear you say - Except that the person in question was the LANDLORD, in other words, MALE. Yikes. I put a Marc Almond video on the jukebox and, while he drooled, i escaped. Ouch. Remember him, Claire?

PERSON OF THE WEEK.

This weeks gong goes to Elizabeth Simmons for two reasons. Firstly, (she kept this one quiet!), Lizzie got married recently, so big congrats are due. Secondly, she has a lead on Claudia West (well, not a PROPER lead, i mean she might be able to find her!), so she wins this week. Hands down. Charge yer glasses with fine Chardonnay, and toast this fine specimen!

10 DODGY CHOIR RELATIONSHIPS. PART 13.

KEN ROTHERY. AND HIS BATON.

Hapless Ken's greatest love and friend was his baton. He regularly fell out with his wife because he insisted on laying a place for it at the tea table. He used to sing "Lets STICK together" to it daily, and took it on regular trips to local gigs and clubs. It all eventually ended when caught his stick two-timing him with a trombone.

SONGS WE SANG. AND WHO THEY WERE REALLY WRITTEN FOR. PART 3.

Alexanders Ragtime Band

This one was actually written for Sir Alex Ferguson, the Man U manager, and his "team". It was originally called "Alexanders RAMSHACKLE band" but they had to change it 'cos Roy Keane started crying. The classic line? "They dive within the penalty box, and often they get panned. They wear red shorts, they wear white socks - Alexanders Ragtime Band".
(This has just guaranteed me a mail from Simeon LeGras tomorrow..)

POETRY CORNER.

This week, it's about Amanda - Jane Lees. She's gonna kill me for this, but i'll offer her, right now, a large drink of her choice at the reunion as a compromise. And sooooo...

I asked her out a thousand times,
But always, she said NO.
I sang to her, i wrote her rhymes -
But she told me where to go.

I bought her flowers and sent her chocs,
But still she couldnt face me.
And when i called her "Goldilocks"
She DEFINITELY wouldnt embrace me!

But then one time, i got me chance -
A dinner dance, when single.
I asked again, and SONG AND DANCE!
She came along, to mingle.

"It's just as mates" was what she said
But weasel was in rapture -
We danced away, we drank, we fed -
She was a splendid capture!!

But then - Alas! - It all went wrong,
As i supped a tad too much.
My speech was slurred, my breath did pong -
And she slipped out of my clutch!

When she got home, i waved goodbyes-
In drunken, daft amazement.
And as she left, i closed me eyes -
And chundered on the pavement!

(a true story. I thank you!)

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

Roll of honour first. "stay" by Shakespeares Sister was last weeks answer, and Siobhan Fahey was in BANANARAMA. Simon donovan 1st in, Daniel Hyde second. Big up! This week - What was the title of the first concert we performed in the Town Hall (IE not St Pauls Hall)?? 1st in gets a treadmill, a pund of Maris Piper spuds, a well-worn Glenn Medeiros LP (Thanx, Nigel, for lending it to me) and one of Vicki Beckhams fingernails. there's a bonus prize of a sprout to the first to tell me what the first item we sang in the concert was. (Apart from the national anthem, Jason!). Good luck!

TOP 10 WORSE SONGS FROM THE YOUTH CHOIR REPERTOIRE. 8.

"Sit down, you're rocking the boat"

This song was DIRE. It SHOULD have been called "Shut up, we're falling asleep". The lads invented a rude version to spice it up, but it was still sh*t. Apparently, it was written about David Hartleys first attempts at canoeing.

Dish of the week. Scoff up! As a starter, the chef is serving the delights of "O l'amour" by Erasure, STREETS better than the original (then again, the original was by DOLLAR so no surprises there!). Your main tonight is the sumptuous "Movies" by the excellently titled Alien Ant Farm. Dessert tonight is the one that cost a million VW owners their beloved VW badge in 1987, "Fight for yer right" by Beastie Boys. Quality choon. Wine tonight is in the form of "Broken Wings" by Mr Mister, and if you have ANY room for coffee it is the MARVELLOUS "Motorcycle Emptiness" by Manic Street Preachers. Miss Wildman is serving the body tinglin' "Feel real good" tonight in the 2nd bar. Please enjoy your meals!

I also quite like that number 1 by Black Eyed peas at the mo - Anyone else!?

Joke of the week. 1/ How do you fit 35,000 Pikachu's on a bus? Poke 'em on! 2/ (thanx to Simeon for this one!). Apparently, Mick Hucknall has been arrested for having underage s*x with a RABBIT. Alledgedly, the bunny's too tight to mention, and he was holding back the ears. Yo ho ho!

HANDY HINTS

Anorexics. Once your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

* NEW THIS WEEK! *

PETER KAY ONE-LINERS

Claire Ackroyd has sent me stacks of belters, enough to keep me going for weeks. For thos who DON'T know, Peter Kay is the star of "Phoenix Nights" AND the John Smiths ads, like the one where he sends his 55 yr old mother to a nursing home, saying "I wanna put a snooker table in yer bedroom, and the kids are scared of your moustache". And so...

"So i went to the supermarket, and i said to the assistant "This Vinegar's got lumps in it". The assistant replied "Those are pickled onions, sir"". Yo ho ho indeed!

Thats yer lot. Great wins for Man U, Chelsea and Rangers in Europe tonight. WELL pleased. Hope i havent spoilt it for anyone that is waiting for the highlights at 11.15! Send me your everything and your anything - Contacts, pics, memories, stuff for inclusion in this mail, etc etc - You can NEVER send me too much! YOU could be the next person of the week! The more you send, the better the mail. NO p*rn*graphy please. He he he...

Look after yerselves, and keep in touch!

Adios

Dave

"if we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are we made out of meat?" - P Kay