Now then. Welcome to Tuesday. Time for another 'un i do believe. Cold outside, hope you're all wrapped up like a sausage in a kilt etc. Hope you're all well. Here's yer block. Stick a scarf on it.

First, as always, the new 'uns. Just the one this week, but she WAS last weeks SOS i do believe so i'm a happy geezer. Say 'ello to Nemone Wilman won't ya - May her inbox ne'er be the same.

Before i start, just a little foreword. I HOPE these ain't getting a bit boring or a bit retro - It's easy to get carried away but it is also easy to get bored once the original novelty of a reunion idea has worn off. I hope this ain't the case - 16 weeks on i'm still sending them out, hopefully to a delighted bunch of readers! If they ARE getting tacky or sh*te PLEASE drop a hint - Weasel does NOT offend easily!!!! I just suspected that, once i announced it will be January before the reunion occurs, people got cold feet. Me inbox shrank in size soon after that! Hope i'm wrong anyway - I LOVE sending these out, they're a good laugh to research and prepare, and i hope you all like 'em too. Let me know!

(only another 12 or 13 to go before the reunion anyway!!!!)

Right, the Youth Choir section in friendsreunited is up 'n' running again, so check it out or add yerself - "Teams/Clubs", then "Musical Group", then "North", and finally search on Huddersfield Choral Youth choir. PWEEZ add your stuff - Inflate its gut. ANY pix you got, send my way on e mail only as i still have no scanner, and i'll post them on the already massive photo board. Nice 1!

Also, www.hcsyc.co.uk is there as always and continues to grow, please check it out as Jon and Simon have put a lot of hard work into it. Enter yer details in the Guestbook. Make it massive.

Footie. Blimey. Leeds won, i was a happy geezer. So did everyone else down there unfortunately. Town on a wicked roll, can't believe it. Bradford doing p*nts, which is excellent, as was me beloved Celtic winning at Rangers on Saturday. Get yer flags out and cheer England on this Saturday. I want them Turks to feel as painful as a peeled squirrel in a bag of saxa come the 90th minute!!!

Had a flick through friendsreunited for more peeps, found a couple more. ALSO found Walter Poontang, None None, Dalian Wobsprocket, Enda Bender, Janet Focker, Elvis Scaramuzza, and Gillian Shatt whilst looking. Whether they're spoof names or not, i dont care - They made me eyes water!

Someone, who shall remain nameless, sent me a mail recently and put an "x" at the end. The "someone", incidentally, was male. Whoops!

I mailed Katie Baron, amongst others, to mention the forthcoming night out in Leeds for us (October 18th if you're interested). Katie is in Australia. Whoops!

Simeon LeGras wants to come to the Leeds V Man U cup match with me. Nice 1! Only 1 problem. Simeon is a Man United fan. Sim, your ticket, bulletproof vest, crash helmet and trainers what make you run extra fast, are in the post, my son.

Thanx this week to - Ross Murray for locating Nemone, and Nigel Keenan for sending me some QUALITY pics on fwd. I'd better not put the pics on the Youth Choir section though - They'll probably shut us down...

Don't forget that Eddy Townsend and Neil Broadbent are currently appearing in "Carousel" at the Lawrence Batley theatre in Huddersfield. Quality stuff.

How do you make a hormone? Dont pay her.

In the small print on the box of Co - Op's 100 percent beefburgers, it says "99 percent beef". What the f**k is the other 1 percent? AIR?

KIDDIE QUOTE. Emily, aged 4, asked me the other day "Daddy, whats a virgin?" Danielle, in a "dont you know THAT" tone, replied "It's someone who doesnt eat meat". Oh joy. Moments like that make 'em all the more worth while.

Film / Tv - Dont miss "Collateral Damage" this Saturday on Moviemax if you got Sky. Arnies finest. I am WELL into "Enjie Benjie" on Nick Junior at the moment. VERY educational...

Ok, enuff of that, more of this.

THIS WEEKS SOS

MALE = Matthew Burnell. Matthew was larger than life and larger than most of us, and he was a top geezer indeed. He looked like the "stay puft" monster in Ghostbusters. Know where he is? Let me know!

FEMALE = Alexandra Moran. I went through six years of SCHOOL with Alex but dunno where she is, nor do 50 or so school contacts i have. Quiet, ever so nice and prim and proper, she would have made the perfect Mrs Weasel were it not for the fact that i was a noisy loudmouthed w****r. Know where she is, or where her gaff is? Let me know!

USELESS FACTS OF OUR TIME. PART 16.

Richard Sykes can sing the Outer Mongolian National Anthem in Dutch, but only after eating a Gherkin and noodle sandwich. On a Saturday. In May.

MEMORY OF THE WEEK

At 16 years old, me and Martin Cooper thought we were "hard" by drinking Cider on the Isle of Wight. 3 pints later, we looked anything BUT. Decorated pavements and angry residents a - plenty. Chris Bamford - I PITIED you as our room - mate, my son.

(Jon LeGras, you can stop smirking, it was YOU who went to the bar for us!!!)

PERSON OF THE WEEK

This weeks gong goes to Eddy Townsend for starting off a battle of "who's on top" in the Guestbook in the website - a battle that Weasel is currently winning, incidentally. He's also a top man anyway! Raise your frothy ales and light your f*rts in honour of this top notch geezer!

10 DODGY CHOIR RELATIONSHIPS. PART 16.

"Ewan Hill. And Ewan Hill"

Ewan regularly held conversations with himself at choir and often talked at us lot in his usual musically bullsh*tting egotistical way. Ewan and Ewan visited regular local gigs together. At a U2 gig, Ewan had an argument with, erm... Ewan about which member of U2 had the best hairstyle. Sad. Ewan often became Ewan MCLEOD Hill if the place he was at was posh enough, but he still looked like a prime t*sser. It all ended when Ewans right hand spotted his left hand going for "a wander".

ANAGRAM OF THE WEEK

"Mister Brandon Robinson" / REM brood in Branson's nits. An alternative amusing one is "Mother in law" / Woman Hitler

SONGS WE SANG. AND WHO THEY WERE REALLY WRITTEN FOR. PART 6.

Lift thine eyes.

This one was actually penned for Arnold Schwarzenegger, and his famous wandering hands. The idea was for the lady to lift her eyes skywards so she never noticed his groping fingers. THE classic line - "Lift thine eyes, so you can't see. My fingers feeling your bot-tee"

POETRY CORNER.

Ross. You're on, my son (i got a mail calling me a b*stard x SEVEN from Tim after last weeks!)

There once was a geezer called Ross,
Who's motto was "Can't give a toss".
He was Scottish - Thats right!
And incredibly tight,
And his wallet was covered in moss!!

Wahey. I thank you. (that has just killed off ANY remote chance of getting a pint out of him at the reunion that i might have had)

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

No - one got last weeks answer, which is just as well 'cos i can't f*****g remember what it was. Never mind. Here's yer teaser for this week. Which song has been sung the MOST times in the history of the Youth Choir? It does NOT include the National Anthem, Littlewood!!! 1st in gets a pound of frozen marmite, chips wi'bits and a teapot. There is a bonus prize of an egg for the first to tell me which concert we first sang it in. Good luck!

TOP 10 WORST SONGS FROM THE YOUTH CHOIR REPERTOIRE. Number 5.

"Schneewaltzer"

This one got me feeling about as Christmassy as an ice cold bud on Bondai Beach. The literal translation was "Sh*te, sh*te, sh*te, sh*te. Waltzing in the sh*te". The first time we sang it at a Christmas concert, one particularly grumpy pensioner who probably sneaked in AND got a free bus ride to the Town Hall stood up half way through and exclaimed "Christmas is meant to be f*cking HAPPY. I'd rather look at my 90 year old wife in the nip than listen to this". Anyone remember it? A diabolical excuse for a song.

DISH OF THE WEEK. (this should be more like it)

As a starter, the chef is serving up the excellent "Drowned world" by Madonna, one of her finest, it should sure fill yer girth in readiness for tonights main course, which is "Waiting in Vain" by Bob Marley. Nuff said. Soothe yerself with a dessert of "i knew i loved you" by Savage Garden (Bet someone takes the p*ss for me including that one!). Tonights wine is the infectious "the bartender and the thief" by Stereophonics, and, if you haven't burst already, coffee is being served in the form of "6 underground" by Sneaker Pimps. Tonights Wildman offering is the exceptional "reverence" (all 12 minutes of it) by Faithless, one of the worlds finest bands. Please enjoy your meals. I did! (b*lch b*rp etc)

Joke of the week (apart from Sir Alex Ferguson). "Apparently, it is all quiet and peaceful in the nursing home where Frank Bruno is recovering. Until someone rings the dinner bell"

Yo ho ho!

HANDY HINTS

Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save on t*ilet roll, you'll also be getting paid for it.

PETER KAYE ONE-LINERS

"A dyslexic man walks into a bra"

Ok, thats nearlly yer lot. Please drop me a swiftie if you can re. the opening paragraph - To use a musical phrase, i just hope i aint playing to an empty auditorium. I love 'em - Hope you do too! Send me also ANYTHING about ANYONE you remember, even an old address or phone number could be useful. Pics on e mail, enter yerselves in the Youth choir section and the Guestbook at www.hcsyc.co.uk if and when you can. Should keep you busy until next Tuesday! I wanna keep blitzing this before Christmas kicks in, it would be nice to have it all in place by mid December so we all have something to look forward to AFTER xmas. Hope you agree. You know where i am! Drop me a line!

Finally, Claire Ackroyd now has 79 witnesses that i WILL do her garden this Saturday. I have let Claire down on a number of occasions recently and i have VOWED to her that i WILL be there this week. So you can all lynch me if i dont make it now (but i will, Claire - fear not!)

Look after yerselves!

Adios

Dave

"A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man NEVER worries about the future until he gets himself a wife."